The Epic Insult Contest of Hogwarts
by fairydustandcansofspam
Summary: These totally awesome kids, they're at Hogwarts, right? So they're bored, and, being Gred and Forge, they start a constant, schoolwide insult contest. There will be no foul language, no fear! It's just good ol' clean, innocent fun! hehehe...
1. The Sweet, Sweet Beginning

Disclaimer: dude. JKR naturally speaks with a British accent. I only wish I naturally spoke with a British accent. But no. I had to be raised in the US of A. _--sighs--_ Ah well, I can speak French! Est-ce que l'universe du Harry Potter à moi maintenant? _(translation: is the Harry Potter Universe mine now?)_

Author's note: I know I should be updating No Longer Weak (eek I REALLY need to update that... it's been since, like, last school year!but I've been having **major** writer's block with that, and I wanted to write something primarily funny for a change... I've been all depressed lately, so I've been writing some... well, slightly-less-than-my-usual-hyperness-level poetry, so now that I'm not down in the dumps anymore, I decided I wanted to write something fun! Plus, I was at theater, with my school laptop, so I didn't have the document saved on there anyway... There's my excuse, now let's get to some good ol' fun, clean (well. This chapter's clean, later ones may not be lol :P), innocent (HA! Fred and George are mentioned. Therefore it CAN'T be innocent!) insulting!

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So, these really totally awesome kids, they're at Hogwarts, right? Ok, so they're at school, and they're bored, so Fred says to George, he says, "Hey! We should have an insult contest!" And George says, "Oh, ok, that'll be **brilliant**!" So they start putting up signs.

* * *

"Dude! We can't put that in our autobiography!" 

"Why not?" George asked, honestly puzzled.

Fred rolled his eyes. "Here, let's take it to Hermione, we'll see what she says. And I'll be correct."

George cracked an evil grin. "You lie. I'll be right."

* * *

"Ok, two things, 1. We have never had an insult contest, most certainly never by you, and 2. You have the word 'so' in there a total of," she quickly counted, 'four times in a total of," she counted again, "four sentences. No." 

In a terribly high falsetto voice, Fred said, "Hey! Our stupid author just typed, Fred said, and realized just now that it rhymes!!!" Just kidding. Because we want to avoid that terrible rhyme, Fred cheered, "Oh yeah! Uh-huh! I'm right! I'm right! Woo-woo-woop!" Hermione quickly placed a Silencing charm on him, rolled her eyes, and returned to her book.

George removed the charm as soon as it appeared that his twin had stopped bragging and dancing around the table. Fred continued, "Anyway, about the fact that the insult contest hasn't taken place yet…"

"Well, yeah, but we're going to have a insult contest," stated George, taking out a large parchment out of her pocket and sticking it onto the bulletin board. "See? It's on the 33rd."

Hermione, of course, looked absolutely confused. "But… there is **never** a 33rd… Plus, this month is April, and it ends on the 28 this year…"

It was Fred's turn to crack an evil grin. "Yes. That's the point. The 33rd is non-existant, and, as McGonegall says when talking about vanishing, 'nothing, that is to say, everything.' Therefore…"

"You're _not_ going to have a continuous insult contest going on. No."

"Actually, my dear Hermione, that's exactly what we're going to do."

"No."

"Yes."

Thus, the Hogwarts epic battle of insults began.

* * *

Author's Note: This is the result of costume-less rehearsal of The Dracula Rock show. In pauses in which other characters are on stage and Holmes (me! Yay, I got the lead!) is not, and would normally be changing costume, I sat there and typed the beginning of this story! I feel so clever. 

Oh, by the way, I've sent this to one of my friends, she might write a few of these... should be fun! I might convert some others as well... evil grin

Another oh, if you want to send in an insult idea (via review or PM), I'm welcoming with open arms!

REVIEW!!! Of course. Please. If you do, I'll give you a cyber hug and some... cotton candy. Unless, of course, you don't like cotton candy, in which case I'll give you tomatoes. If you like neither, then... review anyway and I'll acquire some food to your liking, and give it to ya!

Oh, I can be manipulative when I so choose. mooohahahah (I'm an evil cow!)


	2. Ginny's High Standings

Disclaimer: dude, where's my car? Maybe it's where Vanished Objects go. Oh. Dude, where's that? Into non-being, which is to say, everything! Dude, that's deep.

Dude. Where's my ownership to Harry Potter? Maybe it's with the car, dude... yeah...

Well, as I haven't a car, I suppose that I must admit that I owneth not the wonderful Harry Potter universe... sad, sad day... :,(

* * *

Soon, one couldn't even pass notes in History without being insulted. Hermione absolutely hated it. Soon, she had taken to Silencing anyone that spoke to her with a joking tone, or an evilly amused tone, or an evil tone, or a Draco-ish tone (and soon in any tone at all) and then threatening to put the worst curses imaginable on them if what they had to say was caused by Fred and George's newest school-wide game. After a certain Ronald Weasley spent three days (which was three only because he went to the hospital wing at the request of Professor McGonegall at the end of the third day) with a purple string-like-beard-thing growing out of his face on the right space between his cheek, his jaw line, and his chin, with gross green-brown eyebrows, and his entire body (except for the additions) flashing pink whenever he said anything at all, nobody wanted to cross her, except for the Weasley twins, whom Hermione learned quickly to simply Silence and leave in that state. Many girls, in fact, decided that they didn't particularly like the game, but chose not to go to such measures as Hermione did. Ginny Weasley, on the other hand, was quick to earn a high ranking in the contest…

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In the Great Hall at breakfast a few days after the school caught on to the insult contest, Ginny was sitting to eat breakfast. Malfoy walked past, shoving her into the bench as he neared her. "Oops. Sorry about that, blood traitor… You're simply be so insignificant that I must have missed you." He might not have known the fury he had unleashed… and then again, he may have missed the insult contest notices, and simply acted normally…

"Blood traitor? Ok, I suppose I can live with you calling me that… but can you survive being the bouncing ferret?"

Of course, this insult is not nearly good enough to warrant a high rank in any insult contest that involves in any way Fred and George Weasley, and Lee Jordan. Therefore, there must be more, and worse ones.

"You… you… you blood traitor brat! Your father is a muggle-loving fool, and your mother is a fat, ugly cow!"

Ginny raised an eyebrow. "Is family the only thing you Slytherins can think of too insult? In that case, you must be a… well, I believe the term is 'dumb blond…'" At this point in time, a certain Transfiguration teacher intervened, pausing the insult rally. Notice, however, that I said 'pausing', not 'stopping.'

* * *

"Why do you wear a bra, Weasley, you've nothing to put in it." Ginny rotated around to face the offending Malfoy. She looked absolutely shocked, and stared at Malfoy 

"But… but you wear pants, don't you?" the girl asked in a completely baffled tone of voice, looking so perplexed that it took Malfoy a moment to realize that he had been insulted. He sputtered, and she entered the green houses.

* * *

"Hey, Malfoy! May I see your family lineage records? I was just wondering, you see, if you were descended at all from pigs… I can also see the resemblance between a horse's butt and your face… and of course the pigs would have given you the brains. But anyway, the family tree would be wonderful." 

She smiled at him, and turned around and went to Charms, the opposite direction from his Potion's class. It took long enough to explain to Crabbe and Goyle what she had said that even without chasing after her, they ended up being late. Although no points were subtracted (it's Snape. What would you expect?), they arrived late and had to accept zeros for their potions due to lack of enough time to brew them.

* * *

Of course, there were others of high standing in the contest as well...

* * *

Author's note: Yeah, so these were originally one chapter, but I decided to make them two, so... if you need incentive to review, to recap, I'll give you either cotton candy or tomatoes or whatever you'd like! Plus a cyber hug! Yeah! 


	3. Your Mom

A/N: I know it's not very long, but I thought of it, and I just wanted to get this to all o' y'all at the soonest opportunity!

Disclaimer: Hello. My name is J. K. Rowling. Which is why I have no idea what the J. K. stands for. Yeah. That's me. Can I get paid for all my brilliance now? Sarcasm should be noted. I'm not JKR, but I really don't know what those initials stand for. However, I'm thirty-five bucks in the hole (losing two retainers is NOT a good idea... I'm still paying my mom back... :( ), so if anyone decided to sue me for imposture, I'd be pretty well screwed. Woops!

* * *

Fred was failing miserably. Seriously, it seemed apparent that he was the worst insulter in the school. Only joking, he was one of the best in Hogwarts. Obviously, Fred and George Weasley took every opportunity to insult people. They went so far as to say… well, shall we say, less than respectful things to Binns, whom, of course, didn't notice… but still, as Hermione pointed out later, in a completely shocked voice, "Binns is a **teacher**!" However, when the two Napoleons fight each other, the war is marvelous.

"You know what, George? Your potion could raise the dead, it's so stinky!"

"Well, if mine would resurrect, yours would kill!"

The twins' potions were the two extremes. The potion was supposed to smell like old lady perfume: George's smelt of burning brakes, while Fred's had the odor of Rubber Cement, which smells like… mild skunk odor. The color of achievement would be bright yellow: George's was purple (with odd bruise-colored steam rising off it), and Fred's was a dark, but still extremely bright, green with a weird shape in the middle. When a muggle-born had glimpsed the figure, he had burst out in laughter, and continued on to the ingredient cabinet gasping, "oh my gosh! It's a can of SPAM!"

"Well, you're so stupid that you probably think that it's cool that you smell like your potion!"

"Well, you probably don't even know what a can of SPAM is!"

"Your mom doesn't know what a can of SPAM is!"

"Wait a minute… we're twins. That doesn't work," George declared, giving his brother a laughing look. "But you know what? Your mom must be cursed: she has to deal with you!"

Fred grinned widely, "Your mom slapped the doctor when you were born. Then, when I came along, they went and had a party!"

Both were wacked on the backs of their heads, and threatened with detentions if they didn't quiet down (AKA shut up). Knowing the twins, however, it must be obvious that the boys got their Thursday nights taken away from them, to be used bottling potions (no magic, of course) with Snape…

* * *

Author's Note: I REALLY need insults! I am, surprisingly, a rather nice person in RL, so my supply is rather limited... so yeah, any insults anyone has would be welcomed! I lovens you all! 

Reviews make me all giggly and smily inside! (tee hee hee, that's what my partner in PE today said... she was like, "When my serve makes it across the net, I get all giggly and smily inside!" it was funny. :D)


	4. Gangsta CrumpleHorned Snorkacks

Disclaimer: dude. If you think that I'm JKR and own Harry Potter, then you're stupider than you look.

Actually, I knoweth not what you looketh like... but oh well.

Author's Note: Alrighty then. I'm sorry that I haven't updated in a while, but if you read No Longer Weak (which I'm thinking about temporarily discontinuing, because I've had writer's block on it since I last updated it, which was like... May...), you have more reason to kill me! I's sowwy! 0o put down the Starbuck's table, please? (lol I typed this in Starbuck's, and that's where I am now still... XD ) This one's amusing, I think...

SMARTALIENQT: thanks soooo much for those! I will use them, I promise! I just had to have a messed-up one first!

Tyem: XD a Ron/Harry will be good! I'll do it... eventually... see SMART's response for more... :D

Rosebud: Thanks so much for the ideas! I tried to flesh it out more in this chapter, please tell me if you like it? ;)

Dizrythmia Chook: Thanks so much! I'll definitely have to think about the Australian exchange idea! hehehe, I just got a great one for twining your and Tyem's ideas together... mwahahaha...

InoSakuShine: haha, I like that one... I'll use it in real life, and eventually here too!

I'm so sorry I didn't use those yet... see, I didn't think of them until I was writing the Author's Note, after I was finished writing the chapter! Oops! Blonde moment... :D

* * *

Ron tripped over a jinx sent his and Harry's way by a few certain cronies of Malfoy's, whom they had previously thought incapable of using wands. Ron and Harry, of course, whirled around, raring to go. As Goyle and Crabbe walked away down the hallway, Ron noticed that their large heads had previously blocked a poster that said, "Join in the Hogwarts Epic Insult Contest! Held on the 33rd of every month!" Without bothering to tell Harry what he was up to, he called out after the hulking retreating backs, "If you were any uglier, you'd have to be Medusa, turning people to stone when they saw you! You're already ugly enough to lose a beauty contest to a troll!" 

Harry caught on _very_ quickly, and joined his best friend. He shouted, "Actually, the trolls must be where you two got your," he coughed, "Good," he coughed again, "looks, wits, and smarts."

The 'trolls' gave them both very confused looks, plainly showing them that they didn't understand at all. They got the basic gist of the fact that they were being insulted, however, and started back up the hallway towards the current victors, though with non-comprehending expressions. Ron shook his head sadly. "Harry," he said, loudly enough for Crabbe and Goyle to hear quite clearly, "I think we need to dumb it down for them. Would they understand if we said it in troll?"

Harry snorted to avoid laughing at the looks on the now-understanding rival's faces. He pointed at them, grunted, and pointed out the window, and made a very strange gasping sound, which, if Ron didn't need his ears checked out, sounded a lot like, "juuuuuu-uuuump!" the latter wasn't under the impression that he needed a hearing test, so he quite confidently made a much worse job of hiding his mirth than Harry had.

Surprisingly, Crabbe and Goyle both got extremely odd looks on their faces, blank and even more un-knowing than they had been previously. They turned to the window indicated, and jumped out. Ron and Harry made simultaneous squeaking sounds, and ran over to the window, horrified at what they had done.

Only joking, they stood there and laughed. And Crabbe ad Golye didn't really jump. Awwww…

However, Crabbe and Goyle did walk over to the window. "So… what's out there he was pointin' at, you reckon?" Goyle asked.

"Well, foo, I don't know. It looks regular enough to me."

"Hey, foo, don't call me foo! I'm yo homey, man! You gotta be there fo' yo homies!"

"Dude, I didn't mean that yer a foo! I just called you a foo! That's all, man! Why you have to go jump down my throat, foo?"

Ron and Harry looked at each other. "Um… did they _used_ to speak gangsta?" Harry inquired. Ron shook his head, shrugging at the same time.

"Erm… they sound just as stupid now, does that help at all?"

"Hey! Hey! Fools! Talk to me, fools! My homey just snapped at me, man! Why'd he have to do that?" Harry and Ron stared at Crabbe, wondering why he wasn't looking at them. Then, Ron made a very odd choking sound, almost as if he were trying unsuccessfully to choke back laughter. "Look… he's talking to the painting of Sir Cadogan!" Harry's head whipped around, and then he cracked up. This time, it was Ron who had been more successful in keeping control.

"Why you, why you yelly bellowed… you belly yellowed… you yellow bellied... Crumple-Horned Snorkacks!"

At this, both Gryffindors completely lost control. "He- he-… he just called them…" The two boys blacked out from lack of oxygen to their brains, and didn't recover until Fred and George, thinking that they had taken Fainting Fancies and the twins would get in more trouble than they were already in, revived them with orange ends that they happened to have on them. Both boys remembered the episode vividly, however, and therefore Sir Cadogan earned a place in the Epic Insult Contest of Hogwarts.

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I loved that. It was awesome to write:D

Author's Note numero dos: Review? Please? I'll give you Starbuck's Peppermint Hot Chocolate!

Don' you love making offers like that online? No one can ever take you up on them... XD It's GOOOOOD hot chocolate!


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